Second Chances
by soldiersgirl23
Summary: AU. Four years have passed since Edward left, and Bella has tried to move on with her life with Jacob. When Edward gives up trying to stay away from her, will she be able to stay away from him, or will she want a second chance, even if it destroys Jacob?
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Every character and setting here belongs entirely to Stephanie Meyer. :D**

_Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone? I had a family, someone who loved me, a father who believed in me, and friends who would die to defend me. So why was it so easy for me to turn my back on them for a few stolen moments with somebody who had destroyed my soul with only a few small words, and left me broken in the damp of the forest without so much as a backwards glance? Was I a glutton for punishment? Did he just bring out the masochist in me? _

_Jacob would never forgive me. The hurt in his eyes was going to be more than I could bear. Was I really willing to break him just so that I could feel whole for a brief time? He had been the one to pick the pieces up when I had died inside before. Would he be willing to do it again? Would he even want to?_

_What about his pack? Would they let Edward live once they saw what he was doing to their brother? It's not like they wouldn't emerge from this disaster unscathed. None of us would. It was selfish of me to jeopardize everything the way I had._

_Should I press on or should I go home? The one I loved or the one who loved me? Should I choose the one who held my heart or the one who held my soul? _

_What was I going to do?_


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Every character and setting here belongs entirely to Stephanie Meyer. :D**

The dream always began the same way. There I was, standing in forest with nothing and nobody there. The loneliness was crushing. I grew frightened, my eyes darting this way and that looking for someone, anyone. My panic began to reach a fevered pitch when there was a rustling sound behind me. Whirling to look, my heart began pounding with fear as I searched the foliage for the source of the disturbance with my eyes. I could see nothing. I was alone. The bushes rustled again, and suddenly, a large shaggy russet colored wolf padded out of the bushes, its tail swinging gaily behind him. It was Jacob. Every other night I would immediately be reassured and awake to find myself in his arms, his soft breath tickling the back of my neck before I would grow sleepy, snuggle in deeper against the warmth of his chest and slip back into slumber.

But tonight I didn't wake up. I reached out to scratch the wolf behind his ears when a low growl emanated from deep within his chest, the fur along the back of his thick neck standing on edge. I stepped back hesitantly, once, twice, not bothering to look where I was going when my foot caught on a low root. I could feel the panic building in my chest again. The wolf pulled back onto its haunches, preparing to lunge. This was it. I was going to die. But suddenly the wolf leapt over me and disappeared in the forest. I lay there on the cold ground, trying to figure out what had happened when I heard something else.

"Bella…" a voice breathed softly, or sighed rather, in my ear. And I froze. That honeyed velvet voice that I had forced from my mind…the voice I _didn't_ want to hear, not even in my dreams. Especially not in my dreams. And suddenly he was there beside me, his cold palm pressed against my cheek, the rich ochre of his eyes boring into mine in a silent plea. I could feel my eyes beginning to tear and found that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't pull away. My heart pounded as I struggled to tear my eyes away from his.

"Edward," I sobbed finally, turning my face into his palm, and forgot all about the menacing wolf.

"Bella?" he whispered again, although this time the voice didn't match his face. I turned to look at him, puzzled. "Bells, it's time to wake up." There was the hand against my face again, but it was warm, almost burning. It was Jacob. I closed my eyes tighter, in an attempt both to ignore him and to burn the dream from my head. It had been many years since I had dreamt of Edward, and the sudden reappearance of my dream caught me off guard and sent a shock of pain through my chest.

"Bella, are you okay?" Jacob asked, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me tight against his chest. I nodded softly, still struggling to get my bearings, hoping desperately that for once I hadn't said anything in my sleep.

"Just a bad dream," I replied, trying to sound somewhat cheerful even if my poor head was refusing to release the images that my unconscious mind had chosen to burn into my conscious memory again. Stupid unconscious mind. Jacob hugged me tighter and kissed the soft spot just behind my ear. He knew better than to ask questions. While it had been years since the abandonment dreams had made a nightly appearance, he knew that I still had them from time to time. He never commented, only held me tighter and tried valiantly to smile, even though it looked more like a painful grimace instead.

I rolled over in his arms until I was facing him, staring into his rich brown eyes, trying hard to forget the lighter golden eyes that were burned into my memory again. I snuggled deeper into the warmth of his arms and lifted my face, pressing my lips to his. I could hear his breath quicken as his arms tightened around me, returning my kiss with ardor. It was a surefire way to forget my dreams. Except it didn't work this time. The warm hands on my skin, the quick beat of his heart, they only served to remind me by contrast of the feel of Edwards's cold hands in my dreams. I willed myself to respond to Jacob, but I just couldn't do it this morning.

Ruefully I pulled back and sighed. "Not this morning Jacob," I said as I tried in vain to free myself from the strong circle of his arms. "I've got to get to class soon. I have an exam, remember?" I smiled cheerfully at the scowl forming on his face.

"Sure, sure," he growled, his eyes twinkling at me as he climbed out of bed, wrapping a sheet around his hips and headed off to the shower.

Jacob was amazing. His friendship had sustained me when I had nothing else to hold on to, and the depth of his love was impossible to resist. I knew it worried him that he hadn't imprinted on me. It was the one thing that worried me too. I had already been cast aside once, nearly losing my sanity in the process. Although it had been four years since then, I was scared that it would happen again. Jacob had been the one to save me when it had happened before. If Jacob suddenly turned to a complete stranger, forgetting about me in the process, I wouldn't have anybody to save me from myself.

I tried not to think about that and most of the time, I succeeded. But today the thought was hard to shake. I knew it was because I had dreamed of Edward. It had been a year since I had dreamed of him, and I had foolishly thought that I would be free of those dreams entirely now. Jacob would be upset if he knew that I was dreaming of him again. Again I silently prayed that I hadn't called Edwards name in my sleep, even if I felt relieved that I hadn't forgotten the sound of his voice.

I was fairly confidant that I had passed my exam. I was nearly done with my second year at Peninsula Community College, but I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to do when I was finished. I hadn't been ready to leave Forks, or Jacob, after I completed high school, so the community college in Port Angeles had seemed to be the answer to my dilemma, but it only bought me a small amount of time. I was winding up my final semester and soon I would have to make the choice about what to do with my future.

Jacob wanted to get married. I was appalled by the idea. I was only 22 for goodness sake. There was no rush. I was sure that Charlie wouldn't have minded that route either. Happy as he was with Jacob; he still wasn't pleased about us living together without the benefit of matrimony. Charlie was kind of old fashioned that way. I certainly wasn't ready for marriage, and as disappointed as Jacob was, I'm sure he'd learn to live with that.

Charlie wanted me to go to Seattle Pacific University where I could stay close to home but still get a good education. Jacob was against me going away to college. It wasn't that he didn't want me to have a good education or possibilities in life, he just didn't want me so far away. Charlie had suggested that perhaps we go together, but Jacob didn't want to leave his brothers behind.

I wasn't ready to head home yet. I briefly entertained the idea of going to the bookshop, but it wasn't as appealing as I would have hoped. I found my big red truck easily in the parking lot, turning the key in the ignition and kept my eyes on the steering wheel, still uncomfortable with the attention that the loud idling always brought. Perhaps I would just drive and figure out what I wanted then.

I was heading south on the 101 when I saw the turn off for the 110 approaching and without thinking, I took the left turn and followed the road quietly, refusing to think about where I was heading until I came to the end of the road. I pulled my truck over onto the narrow shoulder and put it in park, staring at the wood line. Why had I come here? It hadn't been a conscious decision, more of a compulsion. I should leave, immediately.

For reasons I couldn't explain I stepped out of the truck and walked around it, to the forest. I hesitated slightly, took a deep breath and entered the forest before I could talk myself out of it. The way was flat, with no trail to mark the way, but that was okay. I knew where I was going. I kept my eyes on the ground, occasionally looking up in time to move a web of moss out of my way, and tried not to fall. Eventually I saw the trees beginning to thin out slightly, and felt my heart pounding hard in my chest. I was almost there. When I stepped past the last of the ferns I looked around, willing myself not to cry.

The meadow looked as if it was untouched by time. It was late spring, and the wildflowers were blooming beautifully, filling the air with their fragrance, the clearing a perfect circle of softly waving grass... I could even hear the bubbling stream in the distance and the birds singing in the trees. I was happy I had found it again. The sky was overcast today, but it wasn't necessary. In my mind I could still see it filled with sunlight, a buttery haze that brightened everything. I closed my eyes and inhaled the deep woody scent and smiled. I was glad I had come.

I was so content that it took me a moment to realize that there was anything wrong. I had my eyes closed, breathing in all the scents of the forest and realized suddenly that the birds had stopped singing. In fact, the only thing I could hear was my own heavy breathing and the sound of the stream. I opened my eyes with a start, my body tensing with the realization that not all of my time spent in this meadow had been pleasant. And as if ripped from my memory, there was someone in the tree line, just on the other side of the clearing. My heart started beating erratically with fear.

And just as suddenly, it might as well have stopped beating at all. The figure stepped from the trees, a longing expression on the pale face, remorse clearly shining from his golden eyes.

"Bella…" Edward whispered as he stepped into the clearing. And suddenly, my world went black as I sank into unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Every character and setting here belongs entirely to Stephanie Meyer. :D**

"Bella…" a voice breathed softly, or sighed rather, in my ear. I frowned, certain that I was going crazy. I was dreaming again. That had to be the answer. If I just held on for another second Jacob would wake me up and it would be time to start my day. "Bella," Edward's voice sounded, more insistently this time. I opened my eyes slowly, my brow still furrowed, before they widened in shock. He was there beside me. I wasn't dreaming. The cold touch on my face was his hand. Those beautiful eyes, watching me with such fear, and regret, those were his eyes.

In some place in my mind, I knew that what I was seeing couldn't be real. And if it was, then the last thing I should have been doing was laying on the ground, staring into his eyes. I should have dusted myself off, pushed his hand from my face and fled. But I wasn't very good at doing what I should when I was around Edward. I knew that the beautiful man before me had broken my heart into a thousand pieces and taken most of them with him. I should scream, I should yell, I should strike out at him for all the good it would do me. I should send him away and tell him to never ever come back. But I couldn't do any of those things. For the first time in a long time, I felt…whole. As if I had never been broken.

"Edward," I choked out, my voice thick with emotion. I tried not to, but I couldn't seem to stop myself from turning my face into his palm, reveling in his soft touch. And then I was done being strong. I couldn't do it anymore. Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. "Are you real or am I dreaming again? It feels real, but it can't be. I just don't…I don't understand…" I murmured reluctantly. I desperately needed to know what was happening, but I didn't want to know if it meant that this was just another dream, another cruel joke my brain was choosing to play on my heart.

I hadn't thought it was possible, but my memory had dimmed. He was far more beautiful than my pitiful mortal brain could retain properly. I furiously wiped the tears from my eyes. They were blurring his features, features that I hadn't seen so clearly in so long I wasn't willing to risk this opportunity to memorize them again. The feel of his stone arms around me, the delicious way he smelled, _how could I have forgotten the way he smelled?_ there was no way my feeble brain could conjure this. It had to be real. Reluctantly I sat up; it just felt awkward lying on the cold, damp ground in the midst of the moment, his hand slipping from my face in the process. He must have seen the flash of panic that coursed through me when his hand dropped away because he quickly covered my hands with his, maintaining the contact that I was loathe to break.

"I'm here Bella," he said, his eyes pained at my words. "I never should have left, I'm so sorry…" his voice trailed off, thick with emotion. Tears filled my eyes again as I struggled to understand. How could I feel so whole for the first time in years, and still feel so fragile? "I thought I was doing the right thing. Giving you the chance to lead a normal life, a long safe life, the kind of life I can't give you. My presence was keeping you in danger, taking you away from a world you belonged in. It was selfish of me to risk your life every moment that I was with you. I thought you would be better off, that I would be strong enough to stay away…" his voice trailed off. "But I'm not. What I want, what I _need_ is to be where you are. I'm tired of fighting myself, forcing myself to stay away from you. I came back to see you…to beg you take me back if necessary…" His voice trailed off.

I stared at him in shock. But he had left me, broken on the forest floor, believing he had never loved me. And now, now I was supposed to just believe that he had been lying? I wanted to be angry. I willed myself to be angry, but I couldn't. It was Edward. _My_ Edward. Without thinking, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. It wasn't something that I had planned, or even thought about. If I had, I think I might have been able to restrain myself. Okay, so I probably wouldn't have been able to but I still would have at least thought about the consequences. My lips fastened hungrily on his marveling at the cold marble of his lips, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him close. He held me tenderly at first, the crushing me to his chest after only a few moments. Without warning, he pushed me back, a look of concentration on his face.

"I don't know if I have that much self-control," he panted, "And I just can't guarantee that I wouldn't hurt you…" His eyes shined; clearly he was telling the truth. I wondered what I could do to take away that self-control. If I kissed him again, would he be able to stop me again? As if he was able read my thoughts, he just pulled me in tight against his chest and buried his face in my hair.

"Ah, Bella," he breathed, "You have no idea how many times I thought of you, thought of holding you like this again. I was so afraid that I was too late, that you had moved on…"

I felt a stab of guilt. I _had_ moved on though. It had taken me forever to do it, but I had. Edward interrupted my thoughts again.

"Bella?" Edward asked, clearly confused. "Are you aware that you smell like a dog?" He wrinkled his nose. "What on earth have you been doing?"

My heart quickened again. How was I supposed to let him go? In my head, I knew I should. He had hurt me tremendously before and it would only be smart to send him away now. But I wasn't exactly famous for my sense of self-preservation.

"You smell Jacob…" I began quietly, not entirely sure where to proceed. I felt Edwards arms stiffen. "Jacob is my…" what was he? Boyfriend was too mild a term, but fiancée' was taking it just a bit far for my tastes. "Boyfriend," I finished lamely.

Edward untangled himself from me quickly, a deep look of pain in his eyes now. I felt horrible, knowing that I was the one hurting him, making me feel guilty quickly that I had ever believed that he didn't love me, that I chose to move on with my life, or at least try to. I wouldn't have survived long in the state that I had been in.

"So I am too late," he said sorrowfully. "I never should have left you…and now I've lost my chance. 90 years I waited for you…" His words, although intended only for himself drove a spike of pain into my chest. _But I couldn't wait a couple years_ I thought sadly.

"Jacob is a good man, "I said quietly. "He helped me pick up the pieces of my life after you left. I tried hard not to love him…but he's an easy guy to love. After he and his pack saved me from Victoria…" I don't know why I kept talking. Surely this was the last thing that he wanted to hear. And apparently I was right. His sucked in his breath and a low growl began in his chest.

"Victoria?" he demanded. "What do you mean his pack saved you from Victoria?"

I bowed my head, unsure who his anger was directed at.

"Jacob is from the Quileute reservation," I began. I didn't want to come right out and say he was a werewolf, but from the look on Edwards face it was pretty obvious he understood. "After you left, Victoria tried to kill me. The pack kept me safe until they were able to hunt her down. And before that, they saved me from Laurent…" Edward's eyes closed tightly, guilt and anger mingling clearly on his face.

"I left so that you would be safe, and it seems as though my sacrifice was for naught. Werewolves, Bella? You can't possibly trust the werewolves! They could turn on you in a moments notice! You really are a danger magnet! First you fall for a vampire and now for a werewolf. Can't you find some nice normal human?"

I could feel my indignation building. "_Jacob,"_ I retorted angrily, "Is _not_ dangerous! He's kept me safe for four years while you were off roaming the world, leaving me here wishing I could just die and get it over with! If it weren't for the _Werewolves_ I wouldn't even be here! ", Edward winced, and immediately I felt guilty.

"I'm sorry Edward," I said softly. "If I had had even the slightest inclination that you would come back some day I would have waited until I was a decrepit old woman. Please don't leave me again. I don't feel…I don't feel whole without you here. Even if you're just my friend. We can do that right? We can be friends? If you left again…I don't know that I could stand it. But I can't just hurt Jacob either. "

"Do you love him?" Edward asked, his eyes softening, even while his mouth went hard.

"He loves me," I hedged, unsure how to explain. "He's my best friend. And I want to love him. I want to be _in_ love with him the way that he loves me. But not matter how hard I try, or how many pieces of my heart he helped to heal…you can't heal a broken heart when you don't have all the pieces…"

Edward took my face between his too cold hands, holding it tightly while his beautiful eyes stared into mine, making it all but impossible for me to look away. How long had I dreamt about seeing those golden orbs again? "I will never leave you again," he swore. "If all I can have is your friendship, then I'll take what I can get. I give up trying to live my life without you in it." His eyes were liquid topaz, and entirely sincere. He meant every word. It was more than I should have asked for. But I was too selfish to send him away. Not when I knew how much he loved me. Not when I still loved him so very much.

Jacob was going to hate me. But I couldn't stop myself.


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Every character and setting here belongs entirely to Stephanie Meyer. :D**

**A/N: I am in desperate need of a Beta! I hope you enjoy this chapter, it was difficult for me to write because the images playing in my mind were so intense, it was hard to capture and describe appropriately. If you have a moment, please leave me a review and let me know how badly I mangled it. Thanks!**

Edward walked with me back to my car, neither of us saying a word. I'm sure that he was remembering, as I was, the times he used to sling me on his back like a baby koala and sprint through the trees. Undeniably it would have been faster, but I didn't think that I could have handled the closeness. Not without pressing my lips to the back of his neck. I was in too deep already and desperate to find a way out before I drowned.

When we reached my dilapidated truck, we gazed at each other for a long moment, the silence becoming more awkward by the second. I started to speak, but found that I neither knew what words to say, or even how to say them. Instead I just gaped at him, my mouth open, probably resembling a fish.

"I should go," he said finally, looking as if that was the last thing in the world he wanted to do. I nodded, still gaping. He hesitated for a moment, and then pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly before he released me abruptly and stalked off into the woods.

I watched him for a moment, my chest tightening by the second, before I got into the cab of my truck. I had every intention of starting my truck and driving away as if nothing had happened when it hit me. _Edward was back. He still loved me. And I had not waited for him._ The realization was awful. I hadn't waited for him. Not that he had given me any inclination that I should have, but nonetheless, I should have.

Tears began rolling down my cheeks and I ground them away with my fists, trying hard to smother them. But the harder I tried, the faster they came until suddenly I was sobbing so hard it was shaking my whole body. No matter what I did, I was hurting somebody. Jacob loved me so much; I couldn't bear to hurt him. But I knew that I had never loved him as deeply as I loved Edward. We were made for one another. That much had been obvious from the first. When he left me…it was soul shattering. And Jacob had been the one to try to put humpty dumpty back together again.

It was hard to resist his love. Being with him, it made the darkness fade to mere shadows, and it made life bearable for the first time in so long. I had fought it for a long time. Finally I gave up trying, and let myself love him in return. It wasn't difficult, although the difference between the comfortable love I had for him, and the intense, burning love I felt for Edward was palpable. But Edward wasn't coming back, and hadn't loved me in the first place, so I needed to move on, right? Except that I couldn't.

Edward was back. And I wanted to be with him, I _needed_ to be with him. But I couldn't do that without hurting Jacob. And it just wasn't in me to hurt somebody I loved. Even when it meant giving up the thing that I wanted the most. My sobbing was uncontrollable now, great wracking sobs that tore into me. I had never let myself cry and I desperately needed it now. I gave myself fully over to it, releasing four years of pain in one fell swoop.

Without warning, the door to my truck was forcibly pulled open and I was being pulled out of the seat and into Edward's arms. I continued to sob, turning my face into his chest while he pressed his against my hair, whispering apologies and swearing that he would never hurt me again, that he never should have left me.

"Bella, my Bella," he whispered thickly, "I'm so sorry I hurt you. "

I lifted my face from his chest with every intention of telling him that he was forgiven when his kisses rained on my face, pressing his cold lips to every tear, as if by removing them, he was removing my pain. When his lips found mine, I thought for an instant about pulling away, but as always, the electricity that existed between us crackled, pulling me even closer to him. I returned his kisses, my sorrow slowly giving way to my passion. I expected him to pull away at any moment, but he didn't. I felt my fingers entwine in his hair, pulling him closer, kissing him with every bit of pent up desire I had. He finally pulled his lips from mine, but instead of moving away as I expected him to, he began kissing along my jaw line, trailing them slowly down my neck and onto my collarbone.

I gave an involuntary shudder and felt my fingers flying across the buttons of his shirt, exposing the smooth planes of his chest to the air, and running my palms over them. Edward only groaned, sweeping one arm under my knees and lifting me effortlessly, his mouth moving away from mine as he ran back through the tree line, leaving my truck door hanging wide open, keys still in the ignition.

I buried my face in his chest, refusing to let myself think about what he was doing, about what _I_ was doing. In only a moment we were back in the meadow, and he lay me down on the soft grass, tugging his shirt off quickly, letting it fall to the ground. I let my eyes move hungrily over his form before quickly pulling him down to where I lay, seeking his mouth with mine again. I was surely going to hell for what I was about to do. But as Edward had once said, if I was going to hell, I was going to do it thoroughly.

Edward broke the kiss and pulled himself above me, his eyes, nearly black now, looking into mine as if for permission. He wanted to know that I knew what we were doing, what I was agreeing to. I should have taken the moment to pull away from him, to stop what we were doing. But Edward was the one with the legendary self control. I on the other hand was merely a slave to my own desires at that moment. I answered his unspoken question by capturing his hand and pressing my lips to his palm, breathing deeply the intoxicating scent that was his, before reaching up and pulling him back down to me again.

I definitely deserved to go to hell for the pain I was about to bring to those I loved. But the devil couldn't claim my soul, for I had given it to Edward many years before. And though it would break Jacob's heart, I couldn't stop myself when my love came to collect.


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: None of this is actually mine. It's all Stephanie Meyer. sigh **

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews. :D It's good to know that people are enjoying my story, and gives me motivation to write more as fast as I can.**

I was floating on air and burning inside at the same time. Edward's lips trailed down my throat, his hands running down the backs of my thighs, catching under my knees as he hitched my leg up and around his waist. I moaned softly, marveling at his touch. I wanted him. More than anything on earth, I wanted him. It didn't matter that he'd broken my heart. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen him in many years. It didn't matter that Jacob loved and trusted me.

Okay, so that mattered. My stomach felt weird again. This time it was not so much in a fluttery, nervous, about to make love to the most beautiful person on earth in a heartbreakingly beautiful meadow kind of way. This time it felt weird in a disgusted with myself, feet dragging, don't want to do the right thing but don't have it in me to break Jacob's heart like that kind of way. My guilty conscience would stalk me forever screaming at me if I hurt him. Stupid guilty conscience.

I moved my hands to cup Edward's face, and lifted it away from my chest, his cool skin even colder when contrasted with the lava that was running in my veins at that moment. I gazed at him sadly, wishing for once that Edward could read my mind, so he would know how much I wanted him, but how much Jacob needed me. I sighed.

"What is it?" he asked softly, brows drawn together in confusion. I could tell he was wishing he could read my mind too.

"I can't do this," I whispered. "You have no idea how much I _want_ to do this. How much I want _you_. But I can't do that to Jacob. If he saw this…if he saw us…it would crush him."

Edward gazed at me for a second before nodding heavily. As though he too knew we couldn't do it, but wished we could anyway. He rolled off of me, lying next to me in the tall grass now. "You're right. I'm sorry Bella. This is entirely my fault."

"It's not your fault Edward," I argued. "I am just as much, if not more to blame than you in this. We've just got to learn to be friends. We can spend time together without mauling one another right?" I pleaded with my eyes. It would be hard, I knew it would. I knew I should just let Edward leave, move on with his life. But I couldn't. I couldn't let him go. Not after having found him again.

"Of course we can Bella," he said softly, as if he didn't believe it eithereven though his eyes said he didn't believe it anymore than I did. "If that's what you want, then that's what I'll be. Whatever it takes, I'll do it just to see your face from time to time. If you're happy, then that's all that matters to me."

Except that I knew that I wasn't going to be happy with the life that I had anymore. Jacob and I shared a comfortable, easy love. Nothing like the passion and the fire I shared with Edward. It was's like staring into the sun for too long. When you look away, you couldn't see anything else, even though you knew that what you couldn't see at the moment was beautiful in its own right. Edward was the sun, and now everything else was just darkness.

Neither one of us said anything as we set about righting our clothes. It was getting late in the afternoon, so Edward slung me across his back and darted off into the woods. There was no temptation to kiss his neck this time, only a horrid ball of guilt in the pit of my stomach, churning and making me feel sick. I hugged him briefly when we reached my truck, door still open, keys dangling for any vagrant who just happened along my needing a free ride.

"I'll call you," I said softly, climbing into the cab of the truck. He nodded as he closed the door for me. He didn't move as I started the truck, despite the noise, and drove away. I watched him in my rearview mirror until he was no longer in sight, wondering what in the world I was going to do now.

Jacob still wasn't home when I got there. I knew that he had patrol this afternoon so it really shouldn't have surprised me. I hung my keys on the hook by the door and went to my bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed. What on earth had just happened? Had I just imagined the whole thing? I thought I was done with hallucinations about Edward. They had disappeared when my adrenaline junky phase had ended. It had been getting far too dangerous. I had almost jumped off a freaking cliff just so I could imagine his voice. It had not been an easy time for me.

I looked across the room and caught my reflection in the mirror. My face was flushed, the color high in my cheeks, and in my dark hair were pieces of grass. I had most certainly not imagined this one. And if Edward had been able to smell Jacob on me, Jacob would certainly be able to smell Edward. My heart began pumping furiously now as I panicked. Jacob would be horribly upset, and angry, if he came home and caught a whiff of vampire on me. I practically jumped upright, trying to tug off my jeans at the same time and promptly lost my balance. Not caring, I lay on the floor and kicked my pants off. I gathered them up in my arms and tore off towards the laundry room, unbuttoning my blouse at the same time before stuffing all of my clothes into the washing machine and starting it.

By the time Jacob made it home, I had thoroughly showered, washed my hair, brushed my teeth and put on fresh clothing. The clothes I had worn earlier in the day were tumbling in the dryer and all I could do was hope that he wouldn't notice anything was amiss.

"Bella," he called out as he entered the small house we shared. "Bella, are you home? " I took a deep breath and walked out of our room, joining him in the kitchen.

"How's my favorite girl doing today?" he asked with a smile as he leaned down to kiss me. I turned my face at the last second so that his lips landed on my cheek, and then mentally berated myself for it. Moving onto my tiptoes, I pressed my lips to his briefly and smiled, moving to the refrigerator now. It was time to start preparing dinner, but my mind was on anything but the steaks that I had been planning to broil up.

"I'm good," I replied, my head in the refrigerator as I gathered up the bowl that contained the marinating beef. "I passed my exam today."

"With flying colors, no doubt," he replied cheerfully, coming up behind me, his arms moving around my waist. I flashed him a smile and removed the steaks from the marinade, laying them on the broiler pan and seasoning them with a practiced hand. When you lived with a werewolf, you ate a lot of steak.

"I don't know about that," I hedged. I had done well of course, but I didn't want to be overconfident either.

"I do," Jacob replied with a grin. "Hey, do you mind if Seth and Leah join us for dinner tomorrow night? I think Sue has something special planned for your dad, and neither one of them wants to be around for _that_."

"I don't see any problem with it. It means I'll have to swing by the grocery store tomorrow afternoon though. "Sue and Charlie sure had been spending an awful lot of time together lately. I knew that Sue was lonely after Henry died, and Charlie couldn't cook to save his life, but part of me wondered if there wasn't more to it than that. I had felt awful moving out and leaving him by himself. Charlie needed someone like Sue.

I finished preparing dinner and we moved to the small table. I tried to keep my attention on the conversation, Jacob was regaling me with a dramatized version of his patrol today, and talking about a bonfire that Sam and Emily wanted to have that coming weekend, but I just couldn't focus on what he was saying. My thoughts kept drifting to the events of that afternoon. It seemed like a dream, to be in Edward's arms again. I tried hard to tell myself that I was a good person. I had been tempted, and almost faltered, but in the end I remained true to Jacob. Which was total propaganda, but I was going to force myself to believe it any way I could.

Jacob continued to keep the conversation flowing, much to my relief, all the way through dinner and into the cleanup.

"So," he continued, blissfully unaware that I hadn't even realized he was talking, drying the plate I had just handed him with a small white dishtowel before replacing it in the cupboard, "I told Paul that if Rachel wanted a fancy wedding that was fine, but not to expect me to wear that monkey suit. I'm just not a tuxedo type of guy. A suit I can do, if I have to; but a tuxedo? Who wants to look like a penguin? I don't care if she _is_ my sister. She can't make me."

"I think you'd look handsome in a tuxedo," I smiled, stretching up to press my lips against his cheek. "I'm kind of tired though. I think I'm going to head to bed." I dried my hands off on the towel he offered me, and was about to turn and head off to the bedroom when I felt his arms encircle me.

"Hmm..." he said thickly, his breath tickling my ear. "I think you may have an idea there. Bed sounds good." Before I could say anything, he scooped me up and strode through the house, until he reached our bedroom. Laying me carefully on our bed, he deftly unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off, exposing his muscular chest.

I needed to feel his lips against mine, to feel his fingers on my skin, making my body sing. I needed him to drive away the memory of Edwards's cold hands on me, his soft lips kissing away my tears. I pulled Jacob atop me and kissed him feverishly, willing myself to feel that familiar passion building in me. My forwardness seemed to surprise Jacob, and urge him on. It was such an awkward thing. To make love to Jacob, wishing he was someone else. To feel his warm hands on my body, and instead of the building excitement that normally came, only a sense of dissatisfaction. I wanted to want Jacob, but I didn't. When he finally threw himself down next to me, his breathing still hard, I rolled into his arms and tried not to let him see my despair. It wasn't his fault that I was such a horrible person. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't the one whose touch I craved. It only took moments before Jacob's breathing became regular, drifting off into a contented sleep. I closed my eyes and hoped for the same.

I dreamed of Edward again that night. I was standing in the center of the meadow. Edward stood at the edge of the clearing, reaching for me, his eyes shining. I started to move towards him when a wolf bounded out of the trees, stepping between us, growling and snapping its jaws viciously at Edward. I was frightened and called out to Edward. As though startled by the sound, the wolf stopped growling and turned to me, a pained look on his face. He let out a keening howl, so full of sorrow it made my heartache, and ran into the trees. I watched him run off as Edward hurried to my side, wrapping his arms around me and pressing his lips to my hair.

"_I love you Bella," _he whispered._ "I'll never leave you again."_

"_I love you too Edward," _I responded, still haunted by the wolf's plaintive cry_._


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: All things twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. **

"Bella, are you listening to me?"

I look up and meet Jacob's eyes, blushing without meaning to and apologize. "I'm sorry. I was thinking about a paper I've got to turn in next week." I hope he buys it. He eyes me warily, his smile fading just a little bit before he accepts my explanation and goes on with his rant about Paul and Rachel's wedding again. I know it's bothering him and I try hard to focus on what he's saying.

"I know that I'm supposed to throw his bachelor party, but I don't know what to do. The usual strip club crap is out because if he so much as looked at a stripper I'd rip his throat out. Not that I want to go a strip club," he hurried to assure me. I felt a twinge of guilt wash over me. It would be easier if he wanted to go to a strip club. Easier if he slept around, if he lied, or stole or cheated. But it was Jacob. He didn't do those kinds of things.

I was the cheater.

"Besides," he continued. "I think Leah would be pretty pissed if we excluded her, and watching peroxide Barbies trying to shake their silicone might result in someone dying." He smiled, his eyes brightening now. I laughed a little.

"Why don't you just build a bonfire and get drunk like you did for Sam?" I suggested casually. "Paul's only got eyes for Rachel so the usual death to the single life bit isn't really applicable."

Jacob considered the idea for a moment before nodding in agreement. "You're right," he said, leaning over to kiss me. I let him kiss me briefly before moving away. It was hard to kiss him these days. I wanted to, but I couldn't help but feel overcome with guilt whenever I felt his lips on mine. They were too warm. And he was too rough. Not at all like the gentle pull of Edward's cold lips on mine.

Gah! I was doing it again. Jacob didn't seem to notice anything as he got up and started clearing the breakfast dishes from the table. I helped him, scraping off the leftovers into the garbage can. My leftovers anyway, Jacob never left anything on his plate. I eyed the clock on the wall as I stacked the dishes in the sink.

Edward would be waiting for me.

"I've got to run," I announced, grabbing my jacket off a hook and planting a quick kiss on Jacob's cheek. "I've got to get to the school library if I want to get this paper written anytime soon." I grabbed my keys and dashed out of the house before Jacob could see the excitement on my face and grow suspicious.

I was going to hell.

I had tried to be good. Really I had. After that first night, I was determined to keep Edward at an arm's distance. He had been there when I walked out of the lab at the college, surprising me with lunch. We stayed on campus and ate there, in front of a dozen witnesses where nothing would happen, where we were safe from the fire that burned in my chest. It had become kind of a ritual. Eat lunch with Edward and talk about the Cullens, about what I was learning, about my complete lack of direction in life. Anything but what was there between us, bubbling under the surface.

And then one day my self control was gone. I had to write this stupid paper. Edward had shown up with lunch of course, but I just didn't have time for it today. So he followed me to the library, silently keeping pace with me as I checked the ancient card catalogue for the book that I needed and checked to make sure it was available. I tried hard not to think about how alone we were in the quiet, hidden by shelves and shelves of books. The one that I needed was upstairs, in the very back of the library where the lighting was horribly dim and dust motes danced in the air.

I couldn't reach the book. I never could reach books, so I dragged a step stool over and climbed on top of, trying not to think about Edward's delicious smell hovering in the air as he watched me. I don't even know exactly how it happened. One moment I was on my toes, reaching for the book, the next I was falling through the air, and landing in Edward's strong arms. And before I knew it, his lips were on mine, and my legs were around his waist, and I was struggling to remove his shirt.

Edward had more presence of mind than I did and managed to get me out of the library and into his car. I refused to think about what was happening, about what I was doing while he raced down the highway, dust flying as he pulled in front of his house. I hadn't been here in the longest time, not since my ill-fated birthday party. I didn't have time to think about it though because I had no sooner stepped out of the car, then Edward's lips were on mine again, and he was carrying me into the house, up to his room and laying me gently on his couch.

The still voice in my head was screaming obscenities at me again. Whore. Slut. Bitch. But I ignored it and grabbed the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head quickly and tossing it aside before struggling to remove Edward's as well. I must have set a world record for ditching my clothes. Before I knew it, I was naked, and Edward was leaning over me, his blackened eyes drinking me in, his skin pale and cold against mine. When his eyes finally reached mine, I could see the question in them and I breathed deep.

"I'm sure," I whispered, throwing everything away in that one moment, greedy with desire, and uncaring of the consequences. It had been surreal, making love to Edward. I knew he was holding himself back as much as possible. He was so scared of hurting me, but I wasn't concerned. When his gentle touch wasn't enough to quench the fire burning in me, I pushed him down against the leather, moving to straddle him and took charge. It wasn't long before I was able to get Edward to just let go and give in to his desires.

As we lay there, my heart racing, keeping pace with my heavy breathing, I began to realize what I had just done. I had just destroyed Jacob, and he didn't even know it. How was I supposed to tell him? What was I supposed to tell him? Edward had been angry when I had told him I had to go home and shower before Jacob got back. He thought that since I had given in, that I was going to go home and calmly tell Jacob that it was over, pack my things and just move in here with him.

But I couldn't do that to Jacob. I loved him too much for that. I didn't know what I was going to do, but ripping out his heart and spitting on it didn't seem like the right way to handle things. It had taken some convincing, but Edward had begrudgingly agreed to let me handle things my own way in my own time. It was clear to me now that I couldn't live without him. He was everything to me, and I couldn't go back to the half person that I hadn't even realized I was before he came back.

So now, here I was, sneaking around like some common tart, trying to figure my way out of this mess I'd made and scared to tell Jacob the truth. He'd figure it out eventually, I knew he would. He already felt the distance, but had chalked it up to the stress of finals. I had given in and had sex with him once, a week after that first afternoon with Edward. And it had been awful. I tried hard to feel the same for Jacob that I had always felt, but the passion was gone. I had tried to fake enthusiasm, but I was afraid that I hadn't done a very good job. It was difficult not to compare him to Edward in my mind. I had pleaded fatigue when he had tried to initiate anything after that.

I finally understood what Edward had meant all those years ago when he had called me heroin. Because that's what he was to me. Dangerous, not good for me at all, guaranteed to ruin my life, but absolutely irresistible and impossible to stay away from. And it was time for my fix.

Before I knew it, I was coasting down the long driveway towards Edward's house. He was waiting for me. We had the whole lovely afternoon to spend together. And when it was over, and I was heading home, filled with the burning mixture of satisfaction, love, guilt and self loathing, I would think about how I was going to get myself out of the hole I had dug. About how to avoid breaking Jacob's heart.

But for right now, I was Edward's completely, and it was time for loving. There was no place in my heart for regret.


	7. Chapter 6

"So what are we bringing to the bonfire tonight?" Jacob asked me, taking a dish from my soapy hand and rinsing it off, stacking it carefully in the dish rack next to the sink. The weeks had flown by and before I knew it, the school year had ended, as had my stint at Peninsula Community College. With it went my readymade excuse to get out of the house to go see Edward. I had no earthly idea what I was going to do now. I couldn't keep sneaking around to see him.

Someone was bound to catch us eventually and it would kill Jacob when he found out. Truth be told, it was slowly killing me too. I wondered how long a person could be pulled in two directions without tearing in half completely. Trouble was Jacob wasn't even aware that there was someone tugging me from him, although I was certain he could feel my hand starting to slip from his. The time for decisions was coming and coming soon. In the meantime, as selfish as it was to give him false hope, I couldn't keep Jacob at arms distance. It was hurting him, it was hurting the part of me that still belonged to him, and I just couldn't bear to be the source of his pain. It was why I was in this mess in the first place.

"I was thinking perhaps a case of hotdogs, but I'm not certain we can afford to be providing all that meat for you carnivores, so how about the buns for those of us who actually use them? Maybe you guys should go vegetarian" I teased, an eyebrow arching, "maybe it will strip off some of that fat you're accumulating."

"Fat?" Jacob scoffed, splashing water at me before tugging his t-shirt off to reveal the muscular abdomen beneath it, the deep copper skin showcasing all the ridges that lay just under the skin. It was more than a little distracting at times. "Where on earth do you see fat? All I see is skin and bones. You practically starve me woman!" I giggled and rolled my eyes at his scowl.

"Here!" I declared, pinching a bit of skin that was obviously devoid of any fatty tissue. "And over here, and look, here's some more!"

"What about you?" he asked menacingly, pulling me into his chest before he began tickling my ribs. "What about all this skin and bones here? I think we need to fatten you up and veggies just aren't going to do the trick." I writhed and squirmed, giggling uncontrollable as I tried to escape. I only succeeded in splashing water all over myself, and the floor beneath our feet and with all the grace I usually showed, slipping and falling to the ground taking Jacob with me. Jacob's dexterity came in handy from time to time and I was very grateful for it when he managed to turn so that I landed on him instead of having his hulking form crushing me to the ground and probably injuring me.

I layed on top of him, water everywhere, and found myself drawn into the dark pools of his eyes, so filled with laughter, and warm and shining like the sun, his soft lips curving into a smile as he imprisoned me with his arms.

"I love you so much," he said softly, reaching his big hand behind my head, cupping it as he pulled me closer.

"I love you more," I replied, and for once ignored that it was a lie. Jacob loved me far more and far more than I deserved. He had given me his whole heart, whereas I had only given him pieces of mine. It was hard to quiet the inner voice that screamed at me what a betrayer I was, not only to Jacob, but to Edward as well, but somehow I managed it. Today was for Jacob. If I was going to make a choice soon, I was going to give him a chance to make his case. Even if he didn't realize that he was making it.

Jacob rolled so that he was now laying on top of me, his weight shifting comfortably over mine in a familiar way. I loved the feel of his weight settled over me, gloried in the strength of him, the beauty of him, both inside and out. I was still soaked, the thin cotton of my t-shirt clinging to me, but he didn't notice, or he didn't care. His eyes still staring into mine, his lips curving into a smile that told me he was glad that for once there were no shadows in mine. Nothing I was holding back out of guilt. He lowered his lips to mine softly at first, and then with more passion, one hand still on the nape of my neck, the other trailing down my side until it reached my hip, hitching my leg around his waist.

I moaned softly as he moved his mouth from mine, pressing his soft lips to my neck, just under my ear. It was a sensitive spot, and one he never failed to pay tribute to. I moved my other leg around his waist as well, pulling him against me as his hot kisses trailed down my neck to the collar of my shirt. As if realizing for the first time that I was soaked to the bone, he smiled at me, his dark eyes intensely burning into mine as he tugged it off of me and tossed it aside as well.

Being with Jacob was simply amazing. There was no need to hold back with him, no worries that he might hurt me, or kill me like there were with Edward. There was no hesitation here, and that utter abandonment of self control was simply sexy in a way that words could not begin to describe. He didn't worry about being too rough when he undressed me hurriedly, wasn't concerned that blood lust would take over and mix with the physical lust. When he filled me so completely, the heat of him could steal my breath away. The shivering that always occurred with the coldness of Edward wasn't a concern in the slightest.

Everything I had been holding back from Jacob out of guilt, I gave into that afternoon on the kitchen floor. I kept my eyes on his, my mouth on his, and let my heart be filled with all the love I felt for him, shining like the afternoon sun that spilled in through the windows. I was full and content and as he moved to roll off of me when we were both spent, I locked my arms around him and pulled him back to me. I wasn't ready to let go yet, and I didn't want to think about what that might imply. Somewhere, Edward was counting the minutes until we were together again, but instead of feeling the same, right now I was exactly where I wanted to be, and I was in no hurry to leave.


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Not mine. Wish it was. But this all belongs to Stephanie Meyer. Although frankly, this is where she should have gone with it. Just saying.

I was close to making my decision when we left the house that evening to attend Paul and Rachel's pre-wedding bonfire. Jacob was in a good mood and easily covered my thoughtful silence with his own idle chatter, happiness practically radiating from him. To him at least, that afternoon had signaled something to him, that the distance he had felt growing between us was gone. To a small degree, he was right. How do you choose between your heart and your soul? Jacob was my heart. Fierce and strong, keeping me alive when I was weak, beating out a rhythm that moved me from day to day when nothing else could. Edward was my soul. My passion, my reason, everything I wanted in life.

The problem was that I had learned to live without my soul, so I knew it could be done. Edward could live without me as well. He had proven that when he had stayed away for so long. If I had known where to find him, that he wanted me, there would not have been any distance too far that would have kept me from his side. He knew that I wanted him. He knew that it broke me into tiny pieces to think he didn't want me. Perhaps if he had come back sooner things would have been different.

I wasn't at all certain that Jacob could live without me now. What's more is that he couldn't hurt me as much as Edward could, didn't have the power to rip the center out of me. I wanted to trust him, for things to be as they once were with us. I wanted more than anything to have the faith in him and his love for me to be able to willingly destroy Jacob. To be so selfish that I could willingly hurt someone I loved for my own selfish happiness. But it wasn't who I was, and I didn't have the trust in myself to be able to keep his attention for long.

"Hello? Earth to Bella?" Jacob's voice interrupted my thoughts. We had arrived and he had already exited the vehicle and opened my door for me. I smiled up at him, accepting his offered hand and righted myself.

"Sorry," I apologized. "I was just thinking about the future." It was only partially true, but I needed to think about the future in more ways than one. It wasn't just my situation with Jacob and Edward that needed resolving. I was at a crossroads in my life and at some point I was going to have to choose a path.

"Me too," he whispered as he leaned in to kiss my cheek, a secret smile on his face. I twined my arm with his and let him lead me to the circle of people milling around the burning driftwood on the beach. I loved being with these people. There was something comforting about being accepted as part of the family, privy to the secrets world that they belonged to. Those bonds were tight, and the feeling of belonging made me feel safe. That was saying a lot considering my history with dangerous mythical creatures. Jacob teased me often about not letting me swim in the ocean for fear of encountering sea monsters. What I never admitted was that I secretly thought he might be right. I had that kind of luck, or rather, lack of luck.

I watched Paul and Rachel surreptitiously, marveling at the change that had occurred in Paul after he saw Rachel for the first time after joining the pack. The once angry and volatile man was happy and content with his life. I imagined it wouldn't be long before he stopped phasing all together. There wasn't much need for them to phase these days, Edward being the only vampire I knew of in the area, and he took great pains to keep his presence a secret from the pack. It terrified me though, to imagine what might happen if he slipped up, or they caught his scent. I couldn't bear it if something happened to him.

I shook my head softly, as if to shake the thoughts out of my mind. Shifting my gaze, I watched Sam and Emily who didn't sit too far. Emily must have felt the slight chill because Sam was wrapping his arms around her tightly, pressing his face into her hair. The scene might have been unbearable for me once, but now I could just smile and be happy for the people that I loved. Jacob had done that for me.

I turned and caught his eye, turning the corner of my mouth up into a small smile, marveling again at the power of his love for me. It had overcome a lot, had healed me when I never thought I could be healed. Jacob was constant. He was safe. As if my look had beckoned him, he moved to stand in front of me, his hand outstretched.

"Take a walk with me."

I accepted his warm hand, so large that my own hand disappeared inside his grip and followed him down near the water. We watched the waves lapping softly at the shore as the sun slipped over the horizon and disappeared into the distance leaving the sky a hazy pink. The moment felt perfect to me, the epitome of my relationship with him. Comforting. Safe. Easy. No struggle, no pain. No grand passion burning bright to dazzle me, leaving everything dark as pitch when it was gone.

"You know I love you Bells," Jacob started slowly, hesitantly, as he turned to face me, "More than anything. I'm still kind of in shock that I managed to con you into loving me too."

I shook my head, ready to deny that he had conned me into anything. If anyone had gotten conned it was him, and guilt gnawed at me.

"Don't argue," he teased. "Just hear me out. I am by far the luckiest out of all these guys." He gestured at the others, still enjoying themselves by the fire, watching as the women began to arrange the food. Their contentment so palpable I could feel it from where I stood.

"How is that?" I asked, wondering where he was going with this line of conversation.

"I got the woman who was meant for me without any wolfy magic. I got to choose for myself, and I chose right."

There was that awful sick feeling in my stomach again. I was low. I was lower than the worms. I didn't deserve him.

"I know you think we're too young Bells, and I'm not saying it has to happen today, or even tomorrow, but someday. Someday, I want you to marry me."

My breath caught in my throat, and I wasn't sure if I was going to choke on it or vomit right there on the beach. My conscience raged inside me, reminding me how close I had come to tearing this wonderful man apart. How close I was coming to killing what I loved about him.

"What are you asking Jacob?" I whispered, unsure that he could even hear me. He did though, because he suddenly looked less sure of himself, probably wondering if I was going to reject him.

"I'm asking you to marry me. Say that one day, you and I will get married and start a family. Stay with me, love me, need me the way I need you."

In that instant, I knew the answer to my dilemma. Without even realizing that he was fighting, he had won. I would stay with Jacob. I would choose to love him. My soul would always belong to Edward, but a passion that strong, that all consuming, would burn me up eventually. Jacob was safe, and he needed me. Edward would be fine if I walked away from him. He had told me so himself. His only desire was for me to be happy, and I could not be happy if it came at Jacob's expense.

"Okay," I whispered, shocked as the words came out of my mouth. "Okay, we'll get married."

Jacob's face froze in disbelief for a moment before he grabbed me in his arms, swinging me around before crushing his lips to mine. His utter joy was infectious and I couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. He practically howled his joy before towing me back to the fire to share the news with the rest of his pack. None of them were capable of keeping secrets from the other when they phased, so the rarely tried even when they weren't. It was a night for celebration, for happiness and hope for the future. Everyone was excited about what was to come.

Everyone that was, except for me. There was one thing left to do before I could move forward with my life, before I could let Jacob move forward with his.

I had to let Edward go.

A/N: Please don't flame me. I'm not done with this story and it still has to flesh out some more. I just never saw Bella as being able to willingly hurt Jacob so that she could be happy. Doesn't jive with the self sacrificing martyr that SM describes in twilight and midnight sun.


	9. Chapter 8

All settings and characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Only the story is mine. I know this is my longest chapter to date and considered breaking it up, but the flow just wasn't there that way. Enjoy, and have tissues on hand.

_I was standing in the clearing, in between Edward and the shaggy russet wolf, my heart beating so loud I was surprised I could hear it over the growls that were coming from deep within the wolf's chest. Edward lowered himself into a crouch, his eyes never leaving the wolf. I knew the danger that was coming and began to cry. I was afraid for both of them, and for myself, caught in between them. I knew I should move but it was if my feet were glued to the ground. I begged Edward to calm down, pleading with my eyes not to fight when the growling stopped. Twisting around, afraid of what I would find, I was shocked to see that the wolf was gone. Relief flooded through me. I was safe. Edward was safe. I turned back to Edward, ready to extend my hand towards him and leave the clearing, but where the vampire had once stood, there was only air and trees. They were both gone, and I was alone. My relief dissipated and anxiety ripped through my stomach, my breathing stalling and I practically fell to the ground, overwhelmed by the fear building into a scream in my throat. _

_I was alone._

_***************_

It was deceptively easy to forget just how small a town like Forks is until you had a secret you needed to keep. Like engagements. It was impossible to keep it to yourself. I found myself suddenly grateful that Edward didn't come into town anymore as he was hiding out from the wolves until I said otherwise. If he had, he would have heard all about it from Mabel the clerk at the grocer, or John who ran the gas station. As it stood, Jacob and I had barely told Charlie the good news before the rest of the town knew the whole story. If I had thought that Charlie would be happy about it, I was wrong.

"You aren't pregnant are you?" he groaned, unable to stare down Jacob, focusing on me instead. He really liked Jacob, but he had had his heart set on a big University for me.

"Good god no!" I sputtered, finding this line of conversation completely unbearable. Thank goodness he found it as distasteful and uncomfortable as I did. I found myself suddenly grateful that the sex talk had come from Renee and not Charlie. I don't know that I would have learned anything except how to avoid conversations and just how awkward silences could get. If I was ill at ease, Jacob was practically shaking with mirth. I scowled at him, only succeeding in making him laugh harder.

"We figured we'd wait a few years for that Charlie," he snorted. "But if you like, we could get started right away. I don't mind the work, and if it makes you happy Grandpa, I'm willing to make the sacrifice…"

Charlie glared at Jacob silently, and I wondered briefly if his Cheshire cat smile would disappear if I elbowed him sharply in the gut. Self preservation won out since I didn't really want to break any bones today. Jacob wouldn't even feel it. There were better ways to pay him back for this. Like sneaking tofu into his food and laughing at him later when he realized he had eaten soybean curds.

"We're not getting married right away Dad," I insisted. "We've just agreed that it is going to happen eventually."

This seemed to mollify him and his smile returned. He had always liked Jacob, and now that he had been assured that we weren't rushing into anything, and that we had no immediate plans to make him a grandfather, he clapped Jacob on the back and welcomed him to the family. I rolled my eyes knowing full well that he and Billy Black, Jacob's father, had probably been planning this moment since we were in diapers. Billy probably would have gotten up and danced a jig if it were at all possibly. Instead, he had sat in his chair and gloated. Jacob came by it honestly.

Now there was only one person left to tell, and it was the conversation I dreaded the most. If my blood had once driven Edward to distraction enough that he had compared it to heroin, his very presence was just as addictive to me. I could feel myself starting to get anxious and twitchy and begin to doubt that I was making the right choice. Jacob was the right choice despite what my wretched heart might say, and I wasn't going to break his, even if it killed me. I had seen and heard how rejection had twisted Leah Clearwater into someone so dead inside that the others could hardly bear to be around her for long periods of time. She didn't phase often anymore unless she was the only one doing so at the time, unable to bear being intimate with Sam on such a level. She couldn't escape knowing firsthand the depth of his love for Emily, the same love that was once hers by right. Jacob had once shared this with me, after another long and uncomfortable night patrolling with her. I didn't want that for Jacob. I refused to let him grow cold and angry like that. Not my Jacob, not while I had a say in it. Even if I was the one who would die inside a little at a time, it was a sacrifice I would gladly make.

Jacob kissed my cheek and promised to be home early as he ducked out of Charlie's house, heading off to the reservation to visit Paul and see how he was holding up before their wedding tomorrow. I sat next to Charlie and watched a little of the Mariners game on television before making my own excuses and leaving too. I only just made it to my truck before I was swiftly dialing Edward's cell phone and asking him to meet me in the meadow. It was where this sordid affair began, and it was only fitting that it should be where it ended.

I made it to the clearing before he did. I hadn't told him why I wanted to see him, so I was sure he was hunting quickly in preparation for seeing me. It had become a habit of his to take down a small deer before we met up, and one that I was immensely grateful for as it ensured my own continued survival.

Being in the clearing by myself brought back the dream that I had had that morning. Anxiety built in my stomach until I thought I was sure that if it twisted anymore I would pass out from it. My dreams were generally pretty good indicators of how things would turn out and I wasn't going to ignore this one. I was no Alice, but I knew when my subconscious was trying to tell me something. I was positive that my dream was telling me that if I chose Edward I would be alone anyway. Even more so, it reminded me how painful Alone really was, and I wasn't strong enough to live through that again. I wrapped my arms around myself and leaned against a tree, certain that if I just held tight enough I could counterbalance the painful twisting in my gut. I wished Alice was there. A little foresight, the knowledge that I really was doing the right thing would have been a blessing right about then.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize that Edward was there until I glanced up and found myself inches from him. Startled, I gasped and I think he must have misinterpreted what that sound meant.

"I've missed you, "He whispered, leaning into me and pressing his cold lips to my own warm ones. I found myself responding, despite my better intentions. I had no self-control where he was concerned and had never taken the time to develop any, choosing instead to rely far too heavily on the strength of his will. Hands that should have pushed him away slid up his arms instead, coming to rest at the nape of his neck. I never quite got tired of the contrast between his hard skin and the soft pliable hair felt like silk as I ran my fingers through it.

"I've missed you too, "I whispered against his lips, refusing to relinquish the grip I had on him. His self control wasn't nearly as strong as I thought and he didn't push me away. Instead it felt as though he was drawing me closer to him, his lips moving over mine. His hands roamed the length of my body, knowing my body just as intimately as he knew his own.

"Just say the word," he moaned as I kissed just underneath his ear, "Just say the word and we'll stop sneaking around and then we won't have to miss each other anymore."

He had done it now. He had reminded me inadvertently of my purpose here today. I managed to reign myself in, but only barely. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes, ducking my forehead until it rested on his chest while I searched desperately for the words that I would need to explain a choice I didn't fully understand myself.

"About that," I mumbled. "You're right. The sneaking around has to stop." I didn't get the chance to finish the rest of my thought because his hands were under my chin, yanking it up so that I could see the fierce joy in his eyes. My will was wavering again as I stared into the topaz depths of the man that I loved. I had to get it out before I changed my mind.

"We can't see each other anymore." The words were barely out of my mouth before the happiness that had radiated from him only a moment before died swiftly, leaving him bleak and distressed. I wished with all my heart that I could take the words back, to take the hurt back. No matter what I did, I was hurting someone.

"So you've chosen the wolf then," he whispered, his face contorted with pain.

"It's not like that Edward," I pleaded, tears gathering in the corners of my eyes. "Please don't think I don't love you. I do love you, more than anything. But Jacob, he needs me. I can't hurt him like I have been. He deserves better than that." I was a fool. I was a damned fool who hurt anyone who came near me and deserved every bit of misery that came my way from this mess I had entangled myself in.

"Bella," he said, cupping my face with his hands and wiping the tears that were falling down my cheeks away with his thumbs. "It's okay. I understand, and I have to say that I'm not surprised. So if this is what you truly want, I won't stand in your way."

"It's not what I want," I moaned. "What I want is you, but I don't want to pay such a high price for it. I just...I don't know how to explain how hard this is for me. I don't want you to think that this was easy. "I was becoming frustrated both with the situation and with my inability to express to Edward how difficult it was to make this decision. His face softened and he tried valiantly to mask the hurt he was feeling before he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest, calming me and hiding his face from me so I couldn't see the damage I was doing. It was for my benefit most likely, not that I deserved it.

"I know where we stand, Bella. I want you to know that I'll always hold onto the memory of what we were and what we shared, and that's enough for me. I hope that in time, you can look back on our time together without regret or guilt. Just know that when the time comes, when and if you want me, I'll be here. Just be happy, and I'll be happy for you."

I couldn't stand it, I was sobbing openly now, my shoulders wracking with the force of my grief. I had never imagined that this would be so difficult, or how much I would hate myself for doing it. I held happiness in my hands, or rather it held me in its arms, and I was letting it go. All that time I had spent hoping and praying he would come back for me, knowing that I would never be whole again unless he did, and I was pushing him away again. It was downright masochistic.

"This would be so much easier if you could just hate me," I cried, soaking his shirt with my tears.

"I could never hate you Bella," he replied softly, "You are too big a part of me for me to hate you. I blame myself for leaving you in the first place, for putting you in this position. But at least one good thing has come of this."

"What is that?"

"You'll have everything I always wanted for you. A long life full of human experiences. You'll get to have children, and grow old. All the things that I wanted to give you but couldn't. He can give you those things, and I'll content myself with that"

I wrapped my arms around him tighter and lifted my face to his. I knew it was time to say goodbye, but loathed to do it. I let my hungry gaze devour every detail about him, memorizing them for later. The glint of bronze in his hair that was always more dominant in the sunlight, the depth of his eyes, darkening slightly with pain, and the feel of his cold skin pressed against mine.

Wrapped in his arms, staring quietly at each other, we savored the moment as long as we could, know that it might very well be our last. I stood on my toes and lifted my mouth to his, kissing him with all the emotion that was welling up inside me, threatening to overwhelm me. He responded in kind, and it felt like we were locked there, engulfed in the pain of the moment. When he finally pulled away, the tears were streaming down my cheeks, and his face was perfectly still in an effort not to betray what he was feeling.

"I meant what I said Bella," Edward reminded me. "If you change your mind, I'll come back for you. Just be happy."

"I won't forget," I promised as I stepped back. "I love you."

"I love you too," he responded, and before I could say anything else, he was gone. I tried to breathe, feeling the enormity of what I had just done sweep over me but failed miserably as I sank to the grassy floor beneath me and gave in to the sorrow that threatened to drown me, praying that I had made the right choice. I would have to take a few moments before I could leave to regain my composure. Jacob would be suspicious if he saw how upset I was, and I wasn't in any condition to think up something reasonable to explain it away.

As it turned out, I wasn't as alone as I had thought, and the grief and shame that overtook me in that moment, wasn't as secret as I had thought. The time was coming when I was going to have to answer for my crimes.

A/N: This chapter was so incredibly difficult for me to write and I truly don't feel as if I did it justice. That depth of emotion is so overwhelming that adequate words to describe it just don't exist. I cried through the last half of the chapter. On a side note, if you truly want to jack yourself up emotionally, listen to SheDaisy's Still Holding Out for You and reread the section of new moon after edward leaves. Music is so darn powerful.


	10. Chapter 9

"Are you sure my hair looks okay?" Rachel asked me, reaching her manicured hands to pat her chignon again.

"It's beautiful, "I insisted, taking her hand in my own and drawing it back down to her lap. "You're beautiful. Now stop worrying and relax. The ceremony is going to start sooner than you think and Paul will be ecstatic no matter how you wear your hair."

She smiled and reached out, drawing me into a hug. I wasn't really comfortable with physical attention, but smiled and squeezed her briefly before pulling away. It was her wedding day, of course she was nervous. I wondered briefly if my own wedding day would be this happy, or if I would be filled with regret.

I was already filled with regret. I was filled with regret the moment he left the clearing. The entire drive home I berated myself for willingly subjecting myself to the pain of his loss and had to pull over twice while I gasped for air. I barely made it home in time to shower and change before Jacob came home from work. The warm water and some eye drops helped hide the traces of my tears and thankfully he was so worked up about being stuck on patrol with Seth the night before his best man duties that he was oblivious to my mood anyway, and he didn't come home until just before dawn, tired and happy to catch a few hours of sleep before the ceremony.

No such luck for me. As a bridesmaid I had to get up early to begin preparing myself and helping Rachel prepare. I was grateful for the distraction. It was hard to focus on my sorrow when Rachel was so excited and happy she couldn't contain herself, walking out of the room giggling with her sister about married life and the long years ahead with a man she adored. It was easy to get caught up in her happiness, well at least for most of us.

Leah was the only one who seemed less energetic than I. Surly and angry was normal for Leah, but I had assumed that she would have been able to put aside her bitterness for one day. I was wrong. Time obviously hadn't made things easier for her. She had been a bridesmaid for Emily and Sam, so I wasn't sure why she seemed angrier now.

"Do you want some help with that?" I asked her, gesturing towards the long zipper in the back of her sage green gown. She didn't say anything for a moment, only glaring at me. I chewed my lip and held up my hands in surrender. "Sorry, just thought you might need some help."

"That would be fine, thank you," she finally said with a small smile. It didn't quite reach her eyes and could easily have been mistaken for a snarl but it was Leah, so I brushed it off and waited for her to turn around and face the mirror so I could zip her up. I was beginning to wonder if this was somehow my fault. Perhaps the announcement of my engagement to Jake had upset her. The rest of the pack had paired off and found mates. Only Leah remained, her heart having long ago been given away and discarded.

"Hey, um, is everything okay?" I asked hesitantly. "You seem kind of upset today."

She smirked, her eyes flashing in the mirror as they met mine.

"You could say that," she said slowly, her eyes never leaving mine. She turned around to face me, looking away only long enough to check that nobody was within ear shot. "So how long has the vamp been in town?"

I sucked in my breath, my heart beginning to beat wildly. When had she seen Edward? I had hoped he had left town already, but if she knew he was here it was only a matter of time before the rest of the pack knew if they didn't already. I needed to call him, to tell him they knew he was there so that he could leave before they came looking for him, before anybody I cared about got hurt.

"Vamp?" I whispered. "There's a vampire in town, now?" I was a horrible liar, but I hoped she'd not catch on. Her lips curled and she glared at me in open anger now. Apparently she had caught on.

"Cut the crap, Bella," she snarled. "I saw you with him yesterday. I heard everything you said. How can you stand yourself, cheating on Jake like that?"

The blood drained out of my face and my stomach plunged. I was going to be sick. I sat quickly in a nearby chair, afraid my legs wouldn't hold me, I was shaking so hard.

"I don't know," I whispered. "I just, I couldn't seem to stop myself."

"That's bullshit!" she exploded, her shape becoming almost fuzzy around the edges she was shaking so hard. "When you promise to love somebody, you don't break that promise! You don't betray them!"

"I know," I sobbed miserably. "I know. That's why I ended it Leah, I sent him away! I couldn't do that to Jacob, if he knew it would destroy him, and I don't want that. I love him, I do. All I want is for him to be happy. It's over, I swear it is."

This seemed to pacify her enough for her to calm down, her shape becoming more distinct. I covered my face with my hands and wept, the guilt finally bursting from my chest, my sorrow at the pain I had caused everybody, and fear all mingled together until I couldn't contain it anymore. I couldn't lie to myself anymore; I was a horrible selfish person. Even in doing the right thing I made it all about me. My sorrow at losing Edward, convincing myself I was Bella the Martyr, giving up my soul to make Jacob happy. I was nothing more than Bella the whore, the selfish woman who had to have her cake and eat it too. I didn't deserve Jacob. I didn't deserve anyone.

"You're going to tell Jacob yourself," Leah said, her chin jutted up. "Because I can't avoid him forever, and as soon as I shift, everyone is going to know anyway."

"I know, "I nodded, resigning myself. "I'll tell him"

"When?" she demanded, refusing to leave me with a way to dodge it.

"Tonight. I'll tell him after the reception."I promised. "I don't want to ruin the wedding. Just give me until the morning to tell him."

"Tomorrow then," she agreed. "But if you want to make it through this wedding without him knowing, I'd suggest you fix your face. You're a bit of a mess, aren't you?" She raised a single eyebrow at me, stared pointedly in the mirror as she smoothed a stray hair, and stalked out of the room, leaving me to face myself and the mess that I had made.


End file.
